Harry Potter and The Third Reich
by X3 Polk v01
Summary: Episode 3, changed R rating because...well you shall see. A bomb on the hogwarts express, Hermione's life crisis, and...Michael Moore?
1. The First of Many

Harry Potter and The Third Reich  
  
Chapter 1  
  
The Prophecy is foretold  
  
"I am glad you have joined me on this lovely evening, Professor Snape." Dumbledore said.  
  
"Yes well, It is not like I had a choice. I mean, It's not like I am in a union or anything." Professor Snape said, a scared tone in his voice.  
  
"And you shall never unionize because I have not one, not two, not three, nor even four, but twelve pictures of you with twelve different prostitutes." Dumbledore smiled. Snape said nothing.  
  
"I have come here to tell you that one of our most unique students, one Mr. Harry Potter, his prophecy will be fulfilled this year." Dumbledore said.  
  
"Wait, wasn't this whole thing set into motion last year, with Voldermort and all." Snape asked.  
  
"Yes, but this is the other prophecy, the other one that I didn't tell him about." Dumbledore said.  
  
"Why didn't you tell him sir?" Snape asked.  
  
"Shits and giggles," Dumbledore laughed.  
  
"But-" Snape said.  
  
"But? But what. Listen, I got this crazy Idea, let's send a bunch of assassins to the Dursley's house." Dumbledore said.  
  
"What! Sir, the prophecy, and...Assassins? I don't like the boy but, this is madness!" Snape yelled.  
  
"Yes, madness! It is a mad house I tell you, a mad house! Hahahahahahaha!" Dumbledore laughed, his voice echoing loudly threw his office.  
  
"Sir, I think this is insane." Snape said.  
  
"You do? Well maybe now I won't give you the antidote." Dumbledore said.  
  
"To what?" Snape asked.  
  
"To the poison you just drank! Ahahahahah!" Dumbledore laughed.  
  
"Sir, I didn't drink anything." Snape said, looking quite nervous.  
  
"Gotcha!" Dumbledore said. "Seriously now, let's send like, ten guys to fight Harry."  
  
"Sir, Harry is at the Weasleys, you really want to endanger them too?" Snape said, looking relived but scared out of his mind.  
  
"You're right, lets send fifteen men!" Dumbledore said excitedly, looking as though Christmas had come early.  
  
"Why do you want to kill Harry Potter so badly? He is only sixteen!" Snape pleaded to Dumbledore.  
  
"Hey, watch my hand." Dumbledore said, moving his left hand around in the air in a circular motion.  
  
"Sir, please listen to me." Snape asked. "Watch it, keep watching." Dumbledore said. "Why-" Snape felt something hard hit the back of his head, he heard and saw no more.  
  
One hundred miles away  
  
Ron could not sleep. His body tossed and turned in his bed, his mind, locked in a desperate struggle not to picture Draco in the shower.  
  
Harry was asleep, snoring quite loudly. He was not helping Ron get to sleep any faster with all his mumbling. "You like that? I bet you do."  
  
Fifty miles away  
  
Hermione was wide-awake; she could not get this mysterious boy's face out of her mind. She tossed and turned, she wondered if he was a wizard, maybe she would see him at Hogwarts. Would she ever see him again?  
  
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry  
  
"I want a nice and bloody corpse, make it look like Snape struggled." Dumbledore said.  
  
"Now," Dumbledore said, holding a picture of Harry Potter against his desk with one hand, and holding a silver knife in the other. "Let us see how Mr. Harry Potter faces my assassins, and, if he survives them, will he survive.... YEAR SIX!" Dumbledore slammed the knife onto Harry's picture.  
  
One Hundred Miles away  
  
Harry potter awoke from his dream. "Whoa, Maya Angelou is black?"  
  
Next: Attack on the Burrow! 


	2. One Crazy Day Part1

Harry Potter and The Third Reich  
  
Chapter 2  
  
One Crazy Day Part 1  
  
Featuring A guest star!  
  
Ron's Room- Morning  
  
Ron is sitting on his bed, wide-awake as he had been all night. Harry is asleep.  
  
"So what is better? Glade or Pinefresh? Heh heh, pine fresh...heh, fresh..." Ron thought to him self.  
  
"No, it is la creme, bitch." Harry mumbled in his sleep.  
  
Ron just looked at Harry.  
  
Hermione's room. - Morning  
  
Hermione's Dream- Hogwarts Library  
  
"Professor Vextor!" Hermione screamed from the restricted section.  
  
"What the.." The Librarian said.  
  
"Ohhhhhhh!" Hermione moaned.  
  
The Librarian rushed to the restricted section to find Hermione and a very attractive boy with their clothes half on. Hermione is holding one of the howler books.  
  
"Uh, sorry, the book opened." Hermione said.  
  
"Right," The Librarian left.  
  
"So, where were we?" Herimone asked This Mysterious Boy.  
  
"Hermione, I find your knowledge of books to be...so very sexy." said This Mysterious Boy.  
  
Hermione sat on the table, her beautiful eyes fixed with an attractive gaze as This Mysterious boy thumbed threw her pages as he unbuttoned her blouse. "Hmmm, that is a fine edition." said This Mysterious Boy.  
  
"Come slip between my leather covers." Hermione said, opening her legs. "Oh, and don't worry, my pages are acid free." She winked.  
  
This Mysterious Boy slowly moved his hand up Hermione's skirt. "Ohh, signed by the author I see."  
  
Study shows Democrats are gay.  
  
The Weasley family kitchen. The whole family plus Harry is gathered around the dinner table.  
  
"So Harry, tell me about this...oh what the devil do you call it...oh yes, gasoline. What does it do? Can you drink it? It smells quite nice." Mr Weasley asked Harry.  
  
"Uh, sir I don't think you should drink that." Harry said.  
  
"Why? I already have and I feel grea-"  
  
Ten Minutes later.  
  
Mr. Weasley is rushed to the hospital with Mrs. Weasley. Only Harry, Ron, and Ginny are left in the house. Fred and George are out working at their joke shop, Bill is off treasure hunting, and Charlie is an expensive muggle hotel with a beautiful Swedish model having hot passionate sex. Back to the story, anyway.  
  
"So uh, will your dad be...?" Harry asked.  
  
"Okay? Sure I guess, not the first time he has done something stupid." Ron said.  
  
Two Months ago, the Weasley house.  
  
Mr. Weasley is sitting at the dinner table with a power drill stuck in his head. "Tea anyone?"  
  
"Hey Harry, I feel like having some exposition. Aren't you concerned of the fact that voldermort has tried to kill you 5 years in a row now? I mean, what if he tries again? What if he tries now?" Plot device-er Ginny said.  
  
"Well Ginny, there is a perfectly satisfying answer to this." Harry said, but before he could answer there was a knock at the door.  
  
"Who is it?" Ron asked.  
  
"An assassin!" Craig Kilborn said.  
  
"Oh hey, that sounds like the crazy late night humor of craig kilborn! He brings style back to late late nite." Ron said, opening the door to see Craig Kilborn and his sidekick Gibby both holding axes.  
  
"Hey, women are objects!" Craig Kilborn yelled swinging his axe at Harry.  
  
"Ahhhh!" Yelled Harry, Ron, and Ginny at once, running from this crazed axe murderer.  
  
"Hey! Clay Aiken is writing a new book, it is written in glow-in-the-dark ink so you can read it in the closet!" Craig yelled.  
  
"Heyhooooooooooo!" Gibby said.  
  
Harry, Ron, and Ginny ran into a closet, locking them selves in, hoping to stay alive.  
  
"Does nobody have a wand?" Ginny yelled.  
  
"I had one but uh...." Ron said.  
  
Two Weeks Earlier: Ron's room  
  
Ron is standing on his bed dressed in a large pink fairy dress with plastic wings on his back and a large pink tiara on his head. Waving his wand in the air and laughing he said: "Good witch? Bad witch!"  
  
"What do we do?" Ron said.  
  
Craig Kilborn is smashing his axe agianst the closet door. "Hey gibby, What Up with smashing threw closet doors?"  
  
"I don't know, but I bet President Clinton would know a thing or two about that! Heyoooooo!" Gibby said.  
  
JFK a communist, studies show.  
  
Author's Note: One might note the 'Part 1' Indeed, there will be a part two. An exciting conclusion to this exciting episode, plus Harry and the gang get ready for school with Cool and The Gang? It's disco night next episode. 


	3. 24

Harry Potter and The Third Reich  
  
Chapter 3  
  
24  
  
Previously on HPaTTR:  
  
"Oh my god! He has been shot!" Hermione yelled, hovering over the dieing body of JFK.  
  
"Who did it?" the man asked.  
  
"I don't know, but who ever it was, there were two shooters!" Hermione said.  
  
"Two...hmmm......you mean...one shooter, and a crazy bouncing bullet!" A communist said.  
  
"Heyhooo!" Gibby said.  
  
"Yes I have a problem! I admit it, I am addicted to crack. But you need me to bust this case, you know that.  
  
It doesn't matter how many times we fucked and I never called you, but you need me to stop Krochef and you know it." Harry said.  
  
"Okay Potter, but if we do this, we do this my way." Dick Cheney said.  
  
"OKAY MOTHER FUCKERS! I HAVE A BOMB STRAPPED TO MY CHEST, I WANT FORTY MILLION DOLLARS, A PLANE TO NORTH AFRICA, AND A DIET PEPSI!" Ginny yelled.  
  
"Listen man, you have to take a shower. Everybody does it....come on Mikey." Mrs. Weasley said.  
  
"I don't wanna, I make movies now! I won an oscar! Shame on you Mrs. Weasley for this fictious bath. And shame on you Mr. Polk for this fictious lame parody that you are writing late at night while trying to think of why the hell everyone else has a blog and you don't you lame bastard you have plenty of material you just need to write one, look I don't care if your other blog didn't work. Just make a new one." Michael Moore said.  
  
"Holy hell, I just realized, that wasn't Danny Glover in Pulp Fiction, it was Samuel L. Jackson!" said Dumbledore.  
  
"Generic cliched joke about some famous person being black, and the fact that I just realized that." R.C. Polk said.  
  
The following takes place between 12:00 am and 12:00 pm on the day of the California Presidential Primary.  
  
A man sitting at a desk, talking on his cellphone.  
  
"Look, I found out the bomb is set to go off at 12:10." the man said.  
  
"And you are sure of this?" The mysterious man said.  
  
"Positive, and what of the girl?" the man said.  
  
"She has seen me, no doubt having plenty of sex dreams about me as we speak." The mysterious man said.  
  
"Remember, she is the only one who can open the, thing." the man said.  
  
"Yes...the thing, but don't say what it is over the phone." The mysterious man said.  
  
"Why not? It is not like anyone is listening." the man said.  
  
"I just have a feeling," The mysterious man said.  
  
"You 'just had a feeling' about Sesame Street themed throwing knives too, didn't you?" the man said.  
  
"Must you bring that up?" The mysterious man said.  
  
"Yes I do, you know you really make me angry some times." the man said.  
  
"Damn, you are sexy when you are mad. Wanna have phone sex?" The mysterious man said.  
  
"Eh, what the hell, we have time before the thing." the man said.  
  
"Okay okay, here is the situation: You are the teacher of my class, I was writing naughty dirty notes about my favorite naughty teacher. You gave me an after school detention and we are being naughty." The mysterious man said.  
  
"Teacher's pet!" the man yelled.  
  
And now, a message from the Catholic Church.  
  
Abstinence Abstinence Abstinence Abstinence Abstinence Abstinence Abstinence Abstinence Abstinence Sex is bad! Bahhhhhh! Sex is bad. God. God. God. God. God. God. Abstinence Abstinence Abstinence GOD! Abstinence  
  
Platform 9 3/4 Harry and 'The Gang' are on the Hogwarts Express.  
  
"Whew, that was one crazy day." Ron said.  
  
"Yeah, I am only glad that none of us got hurt." Harry said.  
  
"Yeah, I am sure glad we found a way to get rid of Craig Kilborn!" Ron said.  
  
"Well at least that is one more mystery solved, but what really happened to Kurt Cobain?" Ron said.  
  
Kurt Cobain's house, Kurt is reading to his daughter, his wife walks in the room.  
  
"Hey my little girl, why don't you head off to bed." Cortney said.  
  
"Okay mommy, goodnight daddy! Tommorow we finish the book." Kurt's daughter said.  
  
"Okay sweetie," Kurt said.  
  
Kurt's daughter leaves the room.  
  
"Isn't she the most beautiful thing you have ever seen? It makes me so happy to think that I will be there when she gets married and has kids of her own some day....wow." Kurt said.  
  
"Yes....be there.....right...." Cortney said, holding a shotgun behind her back.  
  
"Hey Hermione, good to see you." Harry said.  
  
"Hey guys," Hermione said sadly.  
  
"Whats up Hermione, c'mon, tell us what is wrong, let's advance your character a little bit." Ron said.  
  
"Well, my parents are very sucessful busniess people....and...I just don't want to live in the shadow of my father." Hermione said.  
  
"Look, you'll be fine, I've met plently of people who live in the shadows of their fathers!" Ron said.  
  
Ron walks into a room to find Brian Herbert, Michael Tolkin, and George W. Bush jr all sitting and talking.  
  
"Hey, I know you...you guys-" Ron said.  
  
"Yea! We basicly did everything our fathers did, but worse!" Brian Herbert said.  
  
"Yea, I plagerized a great man's work!" George Bush said.  
  
"Heyhooooooo!" Gibby said.  
  
"Wow, that makes me feel way better, Ron." Hermione said.  
  
"Just remember that there will always be something worse than what you are right now!" Harry said.  
  
"What?" Hermione asked.  
  
"Community theater!" Harry said.  
  
"You are right guys!" Hermione said.  
  
"Well, you crisis is over fast." Ron said.  
  
"Yea, it was only like three hundred words." Hermione said.  
  
Suddenly the train began too violently shake.  
  
"What is going on?" Hermione yelled.  
  
"I don't know, but what ever it is I know that I am going to survive no matter what happens!" Harry said.  
  
The Hogwarts Express is destroyed by a great explosion. Everyone on board is killed. But don't worry, everyone will be back like nothing ever happened in the next episode. And just remember, that there is always something worse than a train full of school children blowing up.  
  
Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks Community Theater Sucks GOD!!!!!!!!! GOD!!!!!!!!! GOD!!!!!!!!! ABSTINENCE! ABSTINENCE! ABSTINENCE!  
  
"Heyhoooooo!" Gibby said. 


End file.
